Fildy Bejaoui

Explaining how looking for help from third parties, notably therapists or any kind of mental health expert individual works.

Despair drives us all away from the actual answer, which is inside our head. What it is is a lack of answers. We come face to face with, faced with a giant dilemma, and we don’t know how to solve it. We don’t know what the answer, what the solution, ultimately what the road to walk, is. In front of us stands a road to walk, one we want to go towards, but in front of us and in that way or path stands a roadblock. An unavoidable circumstance we don’t know what to do about. We don’t know what to do with that thing facing us.

When an obstacle becomes what we think of as immovable, several other internal mind mechanisms are regurgitated by the mind, and lead to all kinds of side-tracking; false solutions, coping mechanisms, or bad beliefs (misconclusions on life). All of which are ways to circumvent the obstacle by getting outside the path because we don’t know what else to do: we want to walk that road, but since in front of us is this obstacle, we don’t know what to do.

The obstacle is never immovable, we just don’t know how to manage it, and it is in our perception that, the longer we stare at it solution-less, the more the despair at this lack of answer is increased, until we come to the conclusion that the obstacle is unmovable. The despair climbs up until we conclude we can’t do anything about this, and that’s when we decide on an alternative course of action.

This is incredibly wrong, because that’s inaccurate. The trick key here is our PERCEPTION. We THINK the obstacle is unmovable, because we can’t find a solution for it. What this really highlights in fact is our perception of the entire situation and circumstance. Where we stand, how we feel, what we want, and where we want to go + what we feel is preventing us to get there. All these things are happening within our mind, and it is entirely our perception of the situation, highly emotionally charged, and skewed in the direction of those emotions, that dictates what we do.

The problem is that once we have decided on an alternate course of action, that is when new problems arise from failing to resolve it in round 1 arises (the first attempt, when we bumped against the obstacle and didn’t know what to do), because there is only one path to what we want, and that is the direct one.

One such deviation from the path is to seek help from other people.

Now originally, it is possible to receive help from others. This is an interconnected world in which others can act upon our lives and leave their physical (and mental, goes without saying, but I’m highlighting the long lasting impact) on it.

But the thing, here, is that if we are meant to receive help, help comes by itself, and we don’t need to ask. Moreover, asking results in showing us what’s already obvious: that people can’t help (because they are useless*).

Here’s the kaleidoscope of asking for help from third parties, and what you should do.

1. Seek help from others who have already solved your problem

Once a solution is unlocked, by one individual, it becomes technically accessible to the whole world, because that one individual then has got permission to share the solution with everyone. It’s everyone’s natural instinct to want to help and prevent others from suffering like we have (if you are in the period where you don’t want to help because you do want others to suffer like you have, it’s another situation entirely), meaning it’s anyone’s instinct to give to the world, and to give the solution. You can ask those people because they will gladly tell you.

-> The great problem with this is, that some people today are singular. No one has solved the vast multitude of problems before them, so a lot of people here are alone because either:

• no one else has solved that problem because no one else has had it
• no one has solved that problem before them even if they had it

The other trick here, is that solutions are universal. In essence/in short, the solution exists, period. It’s just that since we don’t know it yet/haven’t figured it out, then where it exists is outside of our perception. It still exists. We just don’t see it or know that it’s there.

This is is due 100% to flaws in our reasonings and limitation in thinking; we, the mind, operates following base facts it considers as true and as basic. And these facts usually tend to be true (that’s not the same as bad beliefs), but they can sometimes be incomplete, because in light of the situations you are dealing with, the basic facts are just base facts, and don’t contain the whole and complete truth of life, or concerning situations you’re dealing with. So faced with “immovable” obstacles, we don’t know what to do because our knowledge database is insufficient, as it’s just a primary database/it contains only primary knowledge, and not the advanced knowledge needed to resolve X issues you’re struggling with. The knowledge required to adequately understand the [obstacle] requires deeper thinking and pondering on our part. See point 3.

I mention this section specifically because despair takes precedence over discernment and analytical thinking. A desperate person will seek help from anyone and anything. I explain that the mental health field is littered with non-professionals parading around the stamp of professionalism even though they’ve done none of the things it takes to actually be what they parade to be. The spiritual field is also filled with starter pack individuals who have yet to figure out their own problems, but which, carried by the wave of inspiration at the identification of having problems in the first place (they got the self-awareness that there’s something to resolve, which is honestly great), do not have the long-term view to understand they are not professionals (either). People fail to realise that neither of these groups are capable of helping because

2. Cheating

The problem with helping people sometimes is that it’s a form of cheating. This happens in the case that for you, one of the issues experienced by another person is something that is so ridiculously easy and non-problematic in your eyes, that it doesn’t even constitute a problem. You don’t have that problem because it wouldn’t be a problem to you anyway. So it doesn’t even bother to happen to you because your whole life, actions that you take, and circumstances that you’re in, can’t be influenced by what is not an actual problem to you.

If the solution already exists inside your head, the problem can’t be installed because the solution would nullify it on the spot: you would not be capable of letting yourself be invaded by the problem because its solution is too obvious.

I have met such people in my life, who would get stupid and horrifically lose their patience at the sight of me, and what was going on with me, because if it was them in my shoes, they’d X, Y and Z to make everything that is basically bogging down my whole life disappear, and the sight of how much it was dragging everything down was terrifying to them because they imagined themselves in my shoes, solution-less, and felt terrified and horrified at the sight of how troubled they would be without it, so they would drop me off and back off as fast as possible to evade to horrible feeling, because they wouldn’t want to survive a split second in my life (they wouldn’t, no one is designed to survive certain things lol).

To them there is a straight forward, easy solution. Having been on the reverse end of this, I can also say that, anyway, when you present someone with the obvious solution, they don’t want to take it. They refuse it on the spot because to them, something else is affecting the game.

And that is the cheating part. That you could, theoretically, be brought to someone, note: not someone who has the solution because they figured it out having the problem, but to someone who is not designed to have that problem in the first place and for whom the avoidance of that issue is so damn simple (and straight-forward), it’s not a problem in the first place. You could be brought to such a person, and they’d hand you the solution without any of the work on your part it takes to figure out that solution, and you would simply not be able to implement it in your life at all, ultimately.

That’s basically the same as someone copying an artist who figured it out anatomy on their own, vs the person who reproduces step by step what they’ve worked to accomplish. Because you don’t understand the theory, you wouldn’t be able to replicate it on your end, because you didn’t go through the entire working process it takes to step by step understand, and arrive at the end of the tunnel, the final answer, and understand why that answer is the correct one, why it makes sense, why it is applicable to you, and why it ultimately does work.

That is cheating. And ultimately, it doesn’t actually work. That’s why…

3. The solution is inside your head

The solution to whatever problems we face is always inside our head, because as I explain in point 1, it requires deeper pondering of the problem, with basic life facts being morphed into deeper life facts through our analytical researching of the parameters concerning the issue, to arrive at a solution.

The people who, as described in point 1, have already arrived at the solution, either managed to ponder the subject and reached a breakthrough, or/and had no mental obstacles preventing them, and especially their subconscious, from arriving at the solution.

Often, solutions are pondered by the subconscious. The issue here, is that:

• you could be so bogged down, you can’t think anymore: you are too depressed to think and you just want to lay down. In this instance it’s a circle because thinking would help figure out the problem and thus alleviate it enough for you to think, but you can’t think because your resources are otherwise occupied by the problem bogging you way the fuck down.
• you are not knowledgeable enough/lack intelligence in that area* (*intelligence is seriously subjective and fluid, and you could be an absolute genius in music theory, then be a total clueless noob in how to solve your family issues. and vice versa. It really, really, really depends).

The ignorance part can always be rectified, but the second part, while also rectifiable, is severely more destructive.

It is rectifiable because you can observe your reasoning while discussing it with another person, and have them point at you what is inaccurate in your reasoning -> meaning, they can point at you what is universally accurate and what you’re physically getting wrong about a certain thing. If one of your base fact is inaccurate or incorrect, then you are bound to take actions based on these facts that will to the only place it can, against a wall where you don’t get what you want: that’s a mistake.

Often time, people in those situations, when reflecting back on those actions, they often begin with “I thought that [x],” while reciting what they believed was true about something. The goal of experience is to reflect back on something, but that’s hands on experience. With logic, and careful planning, some more tragic mistakes, and therefore the time wasting it can cause (because some consequences can last years) are entirely avoidable.

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I recommend for these reasons, that you never seek help from others, but from yourself. That you turn inward, to figure out your problem(s) (your dilemma, life obstacles, etc) on your own, with whatever various tool helps you to uncover the solution. I don’t recommend some of the crazier things I’ve heard out there, like doing drugs or any kind of hallucinogenic, as that is just wrong and a bringer of problems you will add on top of your pile which is already, for some of us, already towering. If your plate is full, don’t do that. But I do personally recommend art creation and writing as a solution. I personally find it is the best mind digging tool in the world, and it has been proved to work long before I existed. That being said, as I just argued here, the solution must come from you. I tell you about this solution, because I found it, which relates to point 1: seek help from those who already know because they did it before you. But the tool may be different for you, and it’s basically up to you to find it.

In essence, you should primarily seek help from yourself, and fill in the blanks as much as possible on your own, and eventually obtain external help to help course correct certain aspects of your way of thinking, so you can adjust and go directly somewhere that makes sense. But it is not recommended to either throw yourself at other people, not do the thinking that you can do on your own, or expect someone else to solve the issue for you. That is a big mistake people make when they come to either therapists or healers. Obviously, that doesn’t mean that you should be alone in it.

Exemple:

One example includes tips to avoid self-harm. Communities, back in the days, used to be filled with people sharing tips, which were little more than band-aids, to avoid self-harm. “Watch a movie, use a cold ice pack on your skin,” etc, and other such ideas, that basically work as a distraction and are not a solution.

The issue with it is that no one can tell you the solution, because self-harm, for instance, is a consequence of something specific, and everyone has got their own reason for self-harming, despite the fact that the act is the same (the symptom is the same), the source will differ for everyone who partakes in that. Meaning that the solution you arrive that, that will solve the problem for you, will not be the same as another person who also self-harms.

For one person, self-harming could just be a self-destructive behaviour that’s meant to take out the pressure out on something. You can’t commit crimes, because then jail time. The only thing you can hurt and mutilate without legal ramifications is yourself. So doing so helps to take the pressure out. But for another person, self-harm may be a form of punishment. The act is the same but the source isn’t. So while for person 1 getting out of their original environment and finding another way to channel the destruction might work, for person 2, realisation that they are innocent of whatever crime they think they’ve committed might be the solution (realising they’re not the one who needs to be punished, for instance). It sincerely depends.

And person 1 asking person 2 for the solution would not ultimately work, because they would give the solution that works for them. Or worse, if they are at the point in time where they haven’t figured out their own solution yet, they might simply respond that they don’t know what to do, leaving both parties to stew in the aftermath let down and disappointment that comes from asking people for help and not receiving because the solution still remains out of reach.

In this instance, it is best that both parties ponder the issue, even if like specified in point 3.a, they are too bogged down to think, and find a way to work with or mitigate that in some way, because then the finding of their solution is 100% theirs and tailored exactly to what they needed to figure out to solve the issue.

This is why help is best sought out from yourself, or from someone who knows what your problem is, or eventually, from someone so perfectly neutral, they can tell you, in a neutral way, what exactly is going on. But even then, the one arriving at the solution, ultimately, is you. No one will ever be able to figure it out for you.